Well, I sat in the theater tonight, waiting for the Paramount Logo and the ever so identifiable sound of the Autobots as the stars came flying at the screen. I got very excited. Then the movie actually started...
From the head of Reel 1 to the tail end of the print, I was in agony. The movie became everything I feared the first one would become. Allow me to elaborate.
It starts by describing the relationship the Autobots had with primitive humans and why we can find drawings of ancient spaceships on cave walls. It then foreshadows a war that would soon break out amongst the Autobots, the origins of the Decepticons. Fast foreward to present day.
Sam is preparing for school. He is leaving for college and ultimately decides not to take Bumblebee. I mean, who would want to take an awesome, beautiful 2009 Camero that also transforms into a robot to school? Not me. This occurs just after the kitchen appliances turn into Decepticons and attack him. Oh, and there is a dog humping another dog here somewhere. No joke. It is never brought up again.
Next scene: Sam arrives and school but leaves Meagan Fox behind. They plan on having a long distance relationship which Fox is hesatant about. Then Sam is attacked by a Decepticon that takes on human form and... wait, stop everything. Sam is attacked by a DECEPTICON that TAKES ON HUMAN FORM?! I'm pretty sure it is well established in Transformers' lore that the Autobots, evil or not, can only take on the form of machines. Apparently, I'm just dead wrong. Anyhow, he gets attacked / raped by this Decepticon Vixen and is chased around campus until she is finally destroyed with no explination of where the hell she came from or why she looks human. Oh and Sam's mother eats pot brownies in here somewhere.
Why are the Decepticons still after him? He finds a shard of the All Spark stuck in his jacket from the first movie and touches it. It transfers information into him which he interprets as a language of some sort. Why this never happened in the first movie is beyond me. He starts seeing symbols which causes him to apparently read extremely fast. It would put Johnny 5 to shame. Anyhow, its the information in his head the Decepticons want. Also, his room mate is, conveniently, a conspiracy theorist and is constantly looking for videos of giant robots.
Optimus find Sam and they head off on their great adventure. And then Optimus dies. Right after Megatron is brought back to life using a piece of the All Spark that was under lock and key in the most state of the art bunker with the most state of the art security systems. The Decepticons basically walk in and take it. And one of them is a puma or lion or something.
Well, a bunch of stuff happens and they end up meeting Agent Simmons from the first movie who ends up being the only person who annoyingly drives the "story" forward. He ends up sending everyone to Egypt to look for an item called "The Matrix" or something like that. Oh and Sam's parent's are captured while they are vacationing in Paris. Insert "another stupid robot joke about humping or someone being a bitch" here.
They get to Egypt and find out that the leader of the Decepticons, essentially Megatron's boss, has it in for the humans and he wants to destroy the sun using a machine he created on earth about 14,000 years ago. Before he could use it, though, the Primes steal the key to this machine and bury themselves in the desert, never to be found again. Some more stuff happens and they find The Matrix with the help of an old, and I mean personified as old, Autobot who turns out to be an SR-71 Black Bird. I'm not kidding. He walks with a cane and makes "You kids stay off my lawn" style comments. Who wrote this shit? Oh and another pointless shot of a small robot humping Meagan Fox's leg.
They discover that the Pyramids at Giza are actually hidding this sun killing machine and Megatron's boss, The Fallen, decides he needs to start it up. Sam ends up dying and then seeing the ghosts of the Primes who sacrificed themselves to... ok, really? He sees the GHOSTS of ROBOTS! And this SOMEHOW brings him back to life. He runs over to Optimus' body which has been transport to Egypt and he brings him back to life. Something about earning something and not just taking it. I don't know. This whole scene never made sense to me. Insert dramatic life and death scene with constant interruptions by 2 EXTREMELY annoying Autobots that are nothing more than the robotic versions of stereotypical gang-bangers. Pathetic. Please understand at this point that I am not racist, I only find it insulting that they would use a stereotype to base a character on. It reminded me of the crows in Dumbo, you know, the BLACK birds that spoke in a very stereotypical fashion. I'm sure the African American community was thrilled to see their people debased to jive talking, moronic robots.
Well, Optimus kicks The Fallen's ass and the movie ends. That's it. My biggest complaint?
Whatever semblence of a story the writters intended for the movie was completely lost with the constant interruption of dogs humping, high mothers, nonsense Decepticons, stupid jokes, and the general fact the EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE PLAYED STUPID UNTIL THEY BECAME IMPORTANT! EVERYONE! If someone was not important to the scene, they provided the roll of the overused comic relief until the time came for them to say something important, then it was all business. What were the other characters doing at that point? SOMETHING STUPID or what Michael Bay sees as funny.
Fuck you, Michael. Fuck you.
2/10
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